


The Wrong Hole

by Anonymous



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Eye Sex, Eye Trauma, M/M, Rimming, in the literal sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 19:32:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18611053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Jane and Tavish eye sex blooper reel.





	The Wrong Hole

**Author's Note:**

> i also wrote [this fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18289607) and this one is far, far worse.
> 
> also, eye squick.

“Hey, Jane,” Tavish philosophised on a particularly drunken evening, “ye ever put yer knob in someone’s eyehole?”

  
Jane thought hard for a long moment, as though his thoughts were reflecting off the inside of his helmet and back into his brain where they could be examined with a more critical, nuanced perspective. “Never known anyone with a missing eye before.”

  
“Ever thought about it?”

  
He shrugged. “Yeah. Not in a sexual way or anything, just... it would be pretty weird.”

  
Tavish nodded with the inherited wisdom of fifteen generations of Scotland’s nobles. “Wanty try?”

  
The bed creaked under Jane as he shifted his weight forward, elbows on his knees, head propped up by his palms. He was frowning, like he always did under the stress of an important decision.

  
“Sure.”

  
No further discussion was needed. Tavish slid off the bed, crawling into the space between Jane’s legs. He nudged them apart with his fist and pushed Jane back, giving himself ample access to his crotch.

  
“I’m gonnae get ye nice an’ hard first, an’ then we’ll, eh, ye ken,” he slurred, struggling with the zip. After half a minute of fumbling, Jane leaned forward and undid it for him. “Aye, thanks.”

  
The white briefs proved less of a challenge and he pulled them down in one fluid motion, revealing Jane’s already slightly hardened cock.

  
“Wait.” Jane placed a hand on Tavish’s head, holding him back. “You’re sure about this?”

  
“Only if ye are.”

  
That was a satisfactory answer. Jane lowered his palm, twisting his fingers up in the sheets in anticipation. He felt suddenly self-conscious about the beer he had spilled down his shirt earlier.

  
Tavish took a careful moment to formulate his plan of attack, then grabbed the base of Jane’s shaft with the co-ordination of a four year old who had just stumbled off a roundabout. Despite his clumsiness, it elicited a sharp intake of breath from Jane, whose face was scrunched up like he had just received an ubersaw to the gut.

  
It was becoming increasingly difficult to not laugh.

  
He lowered his gaze, focusing on the length in his hand. Alcohol had evidently brutalised his finer motor functions, so after a few tugs he swayed forward, dragging his tongue flat along the underside of Jane’s cock. His reward was a soft moan as Jane tangled his hand in his hair, pulling him closer.

  
“Tavish...” Jane mumbled, bucking his hips up, and Tavish knew exactly what he wanted. He pulled back and pressed a kiss to the inside of Jane’s thigh, working his way up, god his lips were really numb he hoped he was doing this properly. Jane seemed to be enjoying himself anyway, if heavy breathing and the flush running across his collarbone were a valid unit of measurement.

  
As much as he enjoyed teasing Jane and watching him squirm, Tavish was an impatient drunk. He hoisted Jane’s leg over his shoulder and dug his tongue into his hole, he really went to town on it, lacking his usual finesse but neither of them cared. Jane had his fist wrapped around his cock, slick with precum, pumping up and down at speeds NASA would have killed to achieve.

  
It was then that Tavish remembered the original purpose of their act, and pulled away hurriedly.

  
“Alright! Jane, put it in!”

  
And he lined up with Tavish’s eye, a little odd he didn’t move the eyepatch, and maybe Tavish’s eyesight wasn’t exemplary at the best of times but that _really_ didn’t look like a great angle. No, that _definitely_ was not the way it should have been going in, but his thoughts were moving through tar and he didn’t have time to verbalise his concern before Jane thrust in, right into his remaining eye.

  
“NO! JANE! NOOO!”

  
He reeled back, blinded, clutching at the liquidated remains of the only visual organ he had still owned. Jane towered over him, dick probably coated in a layer of blood and eye goop but Tavish wouldn’t know because _he couldn’t fucking see_ , shouting something in a panic that Tavish couldn’t decipher over his own screams of pain.

  
“I thought you wanted me to put it in your eye!”

  
“NOT IN THE FUNCTIONING ONE, JANE!”

  
“But the other one’s haunted, Tav! Why would I put my dick in your haunted eyehole? Couldn’t you see that coming?”

  
And Tavish turned to him (or at least where he thought he was) with his face drawn into a fury far surpassing “thunderous” or even “murderous”, no, human language has not yet coined a term for the sheer rage radiating from him as drops of vitreous jelly fell to the floor.

  
“You,” he began, labouring over each word through the emotional and physical turmoil, “are very lucky I love ye, Jane. And yer even luckier I cannae see ye, because I wouldnae think twice about sending ye to respawn otherwise.”

**Author's Note:**

> ...that was pretty cornea, wasn't it?


End file.
